Totally accurate explanations for those noises you hear at night

By: Meghan Light

1. Internal screaming
   
   I scream so much internally it’s probably given me tinnitus. Face it, you’re not going to meet any of your deadlines or finish anything you have to do this week. Trust me — once you accept that, you’ll sleep like a goddamn baby.

2. You farted and scared yourself awake
   
   Come on, we’ve all done it. Here you are, looking for some paranormal or terrifying reason why you heard a noise, but you’re just afraid to admit you farted yourself awake. Stop trying to make everyone think your house is haunted so you can seem cool. Own up to it and move on.

3. Your phone vibrated
   
   And no, it’s not your lonely ass getting messages. It’s that app you downloaded that one time ‘cause you were bored sending you about 461,567,357 notifications. Those are the only notifications you get, aren’t they? It’s OK, don’t cry . . .

4. Your plants are trying to communicate that you’re not taking care of them right
   
   Did you know that some plants have memories? Yeah, it remembers that time you tore off its leaf to press it into a book like a basic ass bitch. I bet it’s not even looking for revenge, it’s just talking the maddest shit about you cause you’re as garbage as they come.

5. It’s the devil gently trying to explain to you that you don’t have to worry about going to hell, ‘cause that’s where all the cool people are

Did you know Lucifer was banished to hell because he wasn’t chill with God’s tyranny? You don’t want to go to heaven . . . I am so sure that’s where all the serial killers are. I bet hell is like a goddamn lunch buffet where you never get fat or full.