Sure, you can make lemonade when life gives you lemons, but what about those situations that are so bad that lemons, sugar, and ice cubes don’t cut it? That’s when you spike your lemonade and make up a game about it, that’s what. One of those situations is sex ed. classes — a rite of passage for every high schooler that, despite its importance, often ends up being inadequate, misleading, uncomfortable, and shameful for some. Here’s how to turn that situation upside down!
- You’re going to want to start drinking if your teacher starts to set up a PowerPoint, because no PowerPoint in the history of PowerPoints has been good and this will definitely not be the exception. To be honest, sex ed. class as a rule probably warrants pre-drinking, but it’s too late for that now. We’ve already begun. Once the PowerPoint has started, every stock photo of groups of smiling teenagers will be worth a shot. Every funky transition between slides inserted to ease the tension also warrants a shot.
- Have a drink if and when the teacher separates the boys from the girls for the lesson and the closeted queer kid in the group starts to sweat buckets and look around nervously. Trust me, they deserve one for the heteronormative shit they’re about to put up with.
- Take a shot whenever somebody giggles at the word ‘vagina’ or ‘penis.’ Every inappropriate joke about a couple who have been holding hands for two weeks will also be worth a shot.
- You drink until you forget the horrifying images of genitalia affected by STDs that will be shown to you.
- Whenever your teacher blushes, stutters, or looks like they want to die because they are unprepared, unqualified, and uncomfortable teaching the class, give them a shot.
You’re going to want (and need) to take two shots if the teacher uses a horrifying metaphor to illustrate a woman decreasing in value following sex (i.e. crumpled pieces of paper, a flower that everyone in class stomped on . . .) If that teacher also insists that inserting a tampon will “take your virginity,” you’re going to want to take another shot and reassure the thirteen year-old sitting next to you that not only is this untrue, but virginity is a social construct detached from one’s worth as a human being that represents different things for everyone. - Take two shots whenever somebody asks a question that the teacher then tells them to ask their parents. Double that if the question regards LGBTQ+ issues.
- When one kid starts asking weirdly specific questions that are clearly relating back to some porn he’d watched on his parents’ computer yesterday, take a shot.
- Each of the following euphemisms for male genitalia is worth one shot:
“Manhood”
“Tenderness”
“Package”
“Weiner”
“Pole”
“Member” - If a religious figure is mentioned in a class that’s supposed to be science-based, secular, and factual, take three shots.
- If the teacher skips over showing the class how to use a condom, take a shot. If the teacher shows the class how to use a traditional ‘male’ condom but not an interior ‘female’ condom, take a shot, too.
- If the clit is mentioned, douse yourself in vodka instead of drinking it and light yourself on fire. Don’t worry about it, it’ll never happen.
