Inside the Academic Quadrangle lies one of the greatest challenges to you sexy students! The avocado (or egg, depending on which side of the debate you fall on) statue just stands there, erect,waiting for adventurous folks to come, mount it, and get filthy. However, we realize that this isn’t a place where you can just walk up and start paddling up Coochie Creek. Therefore, here are Peakmo’s top tips to getting down and making some ‘guacamole.’
1.Getting a little ripe
This position is your recommended entry point into getting raunchy in the avocado, as it is the simplest and most straightforward. Have your partner sit in the obvious seat, and go to town on them. Fair warning: even though this is the simplest position in theory, you will have to be comfortable with a tight squeeze. While this can heighten the intimacy between you and your partner, you may run out of real estate if you stretch out too much.
2. Just the pit
You know what’s better than one partner in the seat? Both of you meeting in the pit. Have your man take a seat, hop on so that both of you are facing the same direction, and get wild. Added bonus: you’ll both be able to see how steamy you get because now you both get to face the reflective half of the avocado! Even though you’re already doing the no-pants dance outside, you can achieve that rare status of self-exhibitionist.
You’re already well aware of the problems with the lack of space that plagues SFU’s filthiest work of art, but you’re not going to let that stop you. Sometimes, it’s all about using leverage to your advantage! Pop a squat on the top of the avocado, and firmly place your feet in the pit to gain stability. Then have your partner ride you as you ride the fruit, and enjoy the steamy stampede shuffle. Yeehaw, cowboys and cowgirls!
4.Lay me down on your bare avocado skin rug
Did your report cards growing up always say your strongest skill was thinking outside the box? Good news, everyone! That is totally transferable to your freaky fruit-day. You know that the bumps on the outside really hit your skin in a sensual way. Plus, the luscious curve of the statue is a prime position for your body to contort to in order to make your partner salivate over you. Be sure to vary up which half of the avocado you use, because you wouldn’t want to get stuck in a routine!
5. For the last time, it’s an egg
Just like the artist who designed the sculpture, you can see through the lies spread by your fellow students and know that it is clearly an egg, not an avocado. As we all know, eggs are precious little things, and beautiful little symbols for life. They are also incredibly breakable! Due to this, we’re going to multitask and not only go heels to Jesus, but take care of the egg like a middle school class project. Set up shop a few feet away from the egg, so as not to risk cracking it. Then, have the loudest, wildest, and most disturbing sex you can think of. Squawk like angry birds, contort like gymnasts, and keep the neighbours far, far away. Honestly, the more you can do to keep anyone from ever wanting to come near you and your egg, the better.
[…] The students were apprehended and taken to the SFU security offices where they were questioned on their grievous debauchery. When probed regarding why copulation in an oversized Mexican berry was of interest, the perpetrators placed blame solely on a recently published SFU-centric spoof issue of The Peak titled Peakmopolitan, specifically an article about the best positions to have sex within the fruit. […]