By: Katie Walkley, Peak Associate
It was still light out at 8:32 p.m., and I felt unstoppable. I’m not proud of what I did, but it had to be done.
I revived the rivalry between SFU and UBC.
I’d been missing SFU dearly over my summer break. Not enough to visit and pay for parking, but enough to reignite an ancient feud as a show of my love and solidarity from afar. So, I typed UBC into my Maps and put my neighbour’s electric scooter into sport mode to tear off into the night. Dan, if you’re reading this, don’t worry about it. Go take care of your kids.
My hunger for retribution began when I met some actual UBC students, and they weren’t even as God tier as their reputation leads us to believe. I was like, “Do you even Beedie, bro?”
We should have seen it coming . . . Their disgusting vintage architecture is a façade.
For weeks, I stewed on my newfound knowledge. It filled me with regret for how we had given up so easily on our rivalry against UBC. Many of our peers have even joined their side to make jokes at our expense, highlighting our constant construction and lack of social life. We’re not strong enough to handle all this friendly fire, people. Someone has to believe in us or else we’ll end up like CapU. To save us from that kind of downfall, I had to hit them where it hurts.
To honour the loner ideals of our school, I started this revolutionary war by myself. I almost made a Reddit post (the only way to connect with fellow students at SFU), but then I got distracted by reading about people deciding on classes to take and started wondering if I should change my major. By then, time was running out, and these geezers were wasting my precious daylight hours!
With a devil’s smile on my way to enemy territory, I scootered over the toes of neighbourhood parents gossiping about how “poor Stacey’s nephew didn’t get accepted into UBC — now he has to go up to that sequestered mountain school with all the bagpipes.” Boo fucking hoo, lady. It could be a lot worse. You could end up at UBC, where students major in either abstract exhibitionism or Wreck Beach-ology. I channelled the energy of 1,000 SFU commuters ferociously darting home to Maple Ridge to carry me past the haters.
Upon arrival, I circled the UBC frat houses with one target in mind. I listened anxiously for the joyful holler of my mark’s catch phrase: “Let’s accelerate.”
Enemy spotted. My vision turned SFU-logo-red as I intercepted the UBC legend of my nightmares on his way to pick up his next partygoer. Scooter Dom, the Instagram-famous figurehead of our rivals, toppled instantly under the sheer power of my concrete-infused bones. Before anyone, including me, could process what had happened, I had kidnapped him, duct taped his loud mouth, and stashed him at an undisclosed location. Now it’s time for UBC to pay off their ransom . . . hand over your prestigious vibes and you can have your boy back.
Or don’t, we don’t care. We’re Canada’s most comprehensive university, beotch. We’re catching up!
Now that war has been waged, we need to be on defence. Protect Freaky Frank at all costs! SFU students, this war has just begun. Let us defend what we hold dear — let us defend SFU.