Dear past self,
The first step in addressing your emotionally abusive relationship is accepting it for what it is: an emotionally abusive relationship. The words will sound harsh as they leave your mouth and you’ll come up with every excuse imaginable to rationalize it. But you should never have to question if you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship. Asking yourself if you are in one is probably a good indicator you might be.
It will be easy to cling to the few happy memories. Picnics at the beach, visiting their grandparents, and movie nights under blankets. They will play through your head like a romantic comedy and make you miss your emotionally abusive partner. You’ll start to think you’re exaggerating, the relationship wasn’t that bad. But those few scraps of serotonin are nothing in comparison to the neglect and pain you felt every waking moment. You should feel safe and secure with a romantic partner, not anxious and fearful all the time.
Emotional abuse will hide in the most innocent situations, and it will be difficult for you to see in the moment. It is a way to control you through emotions, shame, blame, and other manipulative tactics. It’s constant bullying that will wear down your self-esteem and ignore your mental health.
Oh, and in regards to your mental health, your anxiety and depression are real. Just because they invalidated you and said were overreacting doesn’t mean they aren’t real. You know yourself better than anyone else. Trust your gut.
It is not normal for people to threaten to leave you to make you do what they want. No successful relationship is built off of blackmail and manipulation. You should also not have to convince someone to love you. When your friends tell you your relationship isn’t healthy, listen to them. Don’t cut them off just because your partner told you to. This is a manipulation tactic to control and isolate you, making sure there are no outside voices of reason telling you you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship.
Try to grow your support group and have people outside of the relationship to rely on. Don’t worry, your friends will still be there for you even after you cut them off. They love you and will support you through thick and thin.
When your partner goes through all of your messages behind your back, leave. Don’t apologize. There was nothing to find, but they will still twist the situation to make themselves the victim. It’s not your fault. On the bright side, your passwords are now very secure. When you refuse to give them your password they’ll ask, “What are you hiding?” Even though you’re not hiding anything, you’re allowed to keep that password lock on your phone.
This one may sound a bit obvious in hindsight but it is not normal for someone to tell you who you can hang out with, going through your texts behind your back, or accusing you of cheating and being extremely jealous of any person you talk to. You’ll wish you had realized this sooner, but it’s okay that you didn’t.
You’ll feel terrible for doing this, but establish boundaries. Firmly tell your emotionally abusive partner they cannot yell at you, call you names, insult you, and so on. This will result in your emotionally abusive partner yelling at you, calling you names, insulting you, and so on. This is the moment you’ll realize you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship, and you’ll hate yourself for not realizing it years earlier.
When you finally break up with your emotionally abusive partner, you’ll feel relieved. In the movies, you see people absolutely devastated, crying in the pouring rain. But it will feel like a weight off of your chest and you’ll be able to breathe in your first anxiety-free breath of air in years. You’re not a terrible person for feeling this way.
This is the most important part: don’t get back together with your emotionally abusive partner. In the moments by yourself, when you feel like you’re the most alone and you can only remember the good times, don’t ask them for a second chance. Don’t tell them you’ve changed and things will be different this time. You will keep blaming yourself, and while no one is perfect, I promise it wasn’t your fault. They should be the ones begging you for a second chance and apologizing, not the other way around. But even if your emotionally abusive partner does apologize and beg for a second chance, don’t go running back.
Realize you cannot fix them, no matter how hard you might want to.
Be prepared for your emotionally abusive partner to pop up in everyday life. They’ll send you innocuous texts at 2:00 a.m. just to “check in” and suddenly pop up at the grocery store you always shop at, despite them living an hour away. Your emotionally abusive partner will try to keep you under their thumb, blaming you for betraying them once you finally talk to the friends they asked you to cut off.
Just because you’re a man does not make the relationship any less abusive, despite what people may tell you. The people who diminish your thoughts and tell you to “man up” are not ones worth keeping in your life.
You may hate yourself right now, but I promise you’ll learn to like yourself again. When you finally leave your emotionally abusive relationship, not only will you feel better, but your body will readjust to its former self. Your skin will clear and you’ll finally have the energy to get out of bed in the morning. Despite what your emotionally abusive partner told you, you’re hot as hell. You’ll start to see it sooner or later, I promise.
You deserve love, no matter what else you have been told. You deserve love not only from others but from yourself. There are so many people out there who love you. Unconditional love you weren’t able to see before.
The last step in addressing your emotionally abusive relationship is accepting it for what it was: an emotionally abusive relationship. The words will sound harsh as they leave your mouth and you’ll come up with every excuse imaginable to rationalize what happened. But you know it’s the truth now. You now know you did the right thing.
It will get better.
Sincerely,
Finn Martens
