Just as pastry lovers have developed monstrosities such as watermelon-filled and maple bacon-filled Pop-Tarts, pasta lovers have recently invented some horrifyingly creative tortellini fillings. These organic alternatives to typical fillings (what is tortellini normally filled with? Mystery meat and floor scrapings?) can be found at any expensive, vegan, gluten-free, sugar-free, fat-free, nutrition-free health food store.
Jet fuel
This abomination was developed by the US Navy for the purpose of melting steel beams. It was soon decommissioned and sold to grocers such as Whole Paycheque and Costsalot. The line nearly had to be recalled, however, when people discovered the product melted through stovetops when heated.
Garlic
Unless you’re hunting vampires with your breath or a heavily-modified marshmallow launcher, garlic tortellini should be avoided. Where garlic butter has faint undertones to whet your palate, and garlic in sauces adds a slight kick, these pouches are filled with entire cloves of garlic and nothing more — so each bite is filled with bittersweet goodness, without the sweet and without the goodness.
Ice cream
People with sensitive teeth understand the horror of biting into ice cream. There’s an unpleasant electric shock that rides up your teeth, into your gums, and throughout your skull like a strike of lightning. For people without sensitive teeth, ice cream tortellini fresh from the stove is nicely melted and even curdled — to taste. Who doesn’t like biting and slurping into a pouch of sour milk and cream?
More tortellini
Noodles are great. Everyone loves noodles. But there is such a thing as too much noodle. When you bite into two layers of noodle, whose edges are folded noodle and contain two further layers of noodle — whose edges are ALSO folded noodle — you come to realize that meals cannot be composed entirely of carbs. It doesn’t matter how much tomato sauce you throw on top of the tortellini-tortellini, and it doesn’t matter how much cheese you layer on top. The fact is, you’ve made a mistake, the creators of this noodle have made a mistake, and everyone else who’s had any part in the production of this has made a mistake.
