Seven-year-olds come out for first annual pre-fetus Chitter gathering

[BURNABY] – Makers of the popular confession-app Chitter held their first gathering for pre-fetuses, a term coined by the Chitter community to refer to those who have yet to become the adult age of 18. The event took place right outside the Highland Pub on Saturday. Participants had shots of chocolate milk and created their own makeshift identification cards by drawing on cardboard with crayon — all while Chitting about it, naturally.

Fraser library game room taken hostage by sleep deprived students

[SURREY] – A group of students suffering from the common condition nofucksgivenitus hijacked the Fraser Library game room last Friday. The group of 20 extremely sleep-deprived students resembled a zombie herd, reported witness Guidi Gardio.

“They also had terrible taste in video games,” Gardio told The Peak. “They were playing the Ice Age 3 game on the Wii, Xbox, and PlayStation for a solid three hours.”

Elderly travellers mistake SFU’s downtown campus for airport

[VANCOUVER] – A couple heading to Brazil for a weekend getaway missed their flight as they mistook the study areas at the Vancouver campus for their boarding gate. They had ‘checked in’ at the student services counter and sat comfortably in their seats for a good two hours. “I was loving how lax the airport security in Vancouver was,” marvelled Antonio Bandera, an elderly gentleman from Portland, Oregon. “Then I realized that stress-free travel is still a dream.”