Dear Dr. Breakup,
William has just been dumped by his valentine, Lady Francesca. William will not stand for these indiscretions. William has made a blood pact with our Lord of Darkness to be with the Lady Francesca forever. William’s hand still bares the cut of Grand Mama’s butter knife from the sealing of the holy blood pact. William now seeks the help of Dr. Breakup to help recapture the heart of his unruly mistress. William wishes to purchase necessary pharmaceuticals to complete his task. Please accept William’s cash advance of 23 dollars taken from Grand Mama’s purse.
–William, 31
Dear William,
Maybe “William” should use his 23 dollars from Grand Mama’s purse to invest in a healthier relationship with say — I dunno — a blow-up doll?
–Dr. Breakup
Dear Dr. Breakup,
I’ve hatched the ultimate plan to get Derek back. I’ve acquired two cartons of free range eggs, my brother’s butterfly knife, and a packet of Post-it notes. I plan to slash his tires, egg the shit out of his basement suite, and post mean notes all over his door about the size of his penis. I want him to suffer for breaking up with me last year at Denny’s on Valentine’s Day. I want to make sure he realizes what he’s missing out on. Then he’ll realize what a basic little bitch Tina is. Do you think I’m going to easy on him, or should I try something really drastic to get his attention?
–Liz, 24
Dear Liz,
I think you’re being far too easy on Derek. It’s very clear to me that to get him back you’re going to have to really go out of your way to show it. May I suggest walking out in front of busy traffic? Nothing says ‘I want you back’ like an oncoming semi-truck.
–Dr. Breakup
Dear Dr. Breakup,
Okay, there is something seriously wrong with my partner. I came home this Sunday and found a trail of rose petals all over the floor. Like, what the hell? I just vacuumed the house, man! She never picks up after herself, ever. I’m always the one that has to clean up after her. And to top it off, she taped promiscuous little notes all over OUR FRESHLY PAINTED WALLS. Now I’m going to have to put another topcoat of paint on. And just when I think it can’t get any worse, I walk into our bedroom to find her in expensive lingerie and room full of freaking candles everywhere. Fire hazard much? I have no clue what to do, man. What do you suggest?
–Gerry, 27
Dear Gerry,
I suggest you give your head a fucking shake, you twat-muffin.
-Dr. Breakup
Dear Dr. Breakup,
Yoohoo! It’s your obscene correspondent Brandy Jay again. I couldn’t resist the urge to write you another dirty note. Ever since you sent me that feisty little message to go away, I’ve wanted you all the more ;). I just love a man who plays hard to get and you are no exception. I’ve been go absolutely insane without you, darling. I can scarcely find the will to anything, I just strut around my home naked all day ;). Please Doctor Breakup, probe me with your thermometer — I have a fever and the only remedy is more of you. 🙂
–Brandy Jay, 43
Dear Brandy Jay,
You are a sick woman, all right, but you need a cold shower, not my thermometer.
–Dr. Breakup
Feeling heartbroken? Send a message to Dr. Breakup today at humour@the-peak.ca
