ROOMMATE LIFTS A FINGER AROUND THE HOUSE, DOES NOT DIE FROM EXHAUSTION
Rumours That Roommate Is Physically Incapable Of Taking Out The Garbage Called Into Question
VANCOUVER, BC, March 2, 2015 — Despite months of speculation from Francine Stromberry that her roommate is unable to contribute to housework in any way or form, the 22-year-old was shocked to come home to an apartment that was slightly cleaner than when she had originally left.
“At first I thought I was in the wrong apartment,” said Stromberry. “It was by no means clean or anything; only marginally more than I had left it in the morning. My roommate had done the dishes — which were mostly his anyways — and I think he might have washed the floors, but honestly that could be rainwater from the window he left open. Still!”
Stromberry and her roommate, who unfortunately became acquainted when she was stupid enough to answer a Craigslist posting, have been living together since last October — though Stromberry claims that “it feels like it’s been years” since she’s enjoyed a clean apartment. Originally Stromberry thought her roommate was just compulsively messy, but she’s now convinced that he might actually suffer from some form of disorder that causes him to leave dirty clothes in the living room and use her hand towels for makeshift floormats in the bathroom.
“There were all of the quintessential warning signs that something was seriously wrong with my roommate,” explained Stromberry. “Most of the time he seemed lethargic and slept through large parts of the day. He’d constantly eat my food in the fridge, even though ‘Francine’ is clearly written on the packaging, so I think something might be affecting his cognitive memory, you know? I mean, what other possible explanation could there be for him being such a lazy, inconsiderate slob?”
Stromberry has yet to extrapolate what the recent cleaning incident could mean for her existing theories about his sluggishness being an illness, but she remains hopeful that he hasn’t just been taking advantage of her this whole time. This all, despite a note in her roommate’s handwriting on the counter saying, “I did the dishes. You’re out of milk and eggs and shampoo too, btw :)” Stromberry says that she isn’t ruling out the possibility that a third-party broke into the apartment, did some surface-level cleaning, and left without taking anything.
“Honestly, it sounds more believable than him actually doing the work himself,” sighed Stromberry. “Is that a thing? Do burglars sometimes break into a home, take pity on the person who has to put up with a messy roommate, and then just tidy things up a bit? I’m not ruling anything out at this point. There has to be a first time for everything.”
At press time, Stromberry’s roommate was unavailable to comment on the development, since he was too busy using her Netflix account to watch cartoons on her television.
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For more information, please contact Francine Stromberry at firestromberry@gmail.com or send a maid service to help. Stromberry has also started an Indiegogo campaign meant to help find a treatment for her roommate and people like him who seem incapable of doing a single damn thing around the apartment.
