Aries (March 21 – April 20)
This week you save $3.45 and anyone from ever finding your body trying to save money by “mining your damn own copper.”

Taurus (April 21 – May 21)
Don’t make mountains out of molehills this week. Especially since your new soda idea, Molehill Dew sounds goddamn disgusting.

Gemini (May 22 – June 21)
Well look at you Mr/Mrs. Go-getter! Expect to finally get noticed by upper management, as you plummet past their floor window.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
This week you’ll realize just how unhealthy your relationship is as she force-feeds you another meat-lover’s hot pocket.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Good news! When future archaeologists dig up your body, they won’t be bored.

Virgo (August 23 – September 23)
Although you’re familiar with sleep-walking and sleep-talking, sleep-refinancing-your-mortgage, that’s a new one.

Libra (September 24 – October 23)
This week you’ll have your identity stolen, but returned the next day after the thieves realize that’s a whole can of worms they don’t want to deal with.

Scorpio (October 24 – November 22)
This week you’ll find yourself in a long, drawn out argument over who could draw the word argument better in Pictionary.

Sagittarius (November 23 – December 21)
Mars in retrograde this week. Not that you can blame it especially in this economy.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Office politics in full-swing this week. Stay clear of it. Remain naan-plussed as these people try to curry your favor. No big daal.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 19)
No clear predictions from Aquarius this week, it just keeps pointing at a picture of you and laughing uncontrollably.

Pieces (February 20 – March 20)
Mercury is moving into your sign this week. But this is only a one-week thing, tops, it swears. It’ll even pitch in $20 for rent.

By Gary Lim