Official 2014 Olympic Anti-Gay Policies Revealed

While there’s been a lot of talk about Russia’s ban on “non-traditional sexual relations” during the upcoming Olympic games, up until now there has been very little practical information about how they will go about maintaining their country’s 100 per cent not-gay claim to fame. You might be asking yourself, for example, how could these games possibly be more straight than Nagano ‘98? Well, fortunately for you, Peak Humour was able to obtain a list of changes to the Sochi games that will keep this celebration firmly inside the Iron Closet.

LOGO:

The first and most important step taken against blatant Olympic homosexuality was of course revamping the “obscenely gay” Olympic rings logo. Not only has Russia replaced the “queer rainbow colour scheme” with the far more butch “black-and-white” but Russia also took steps against the suspicious commingling of circles suspected to be a representation of the “gay conspiracy”.

ICE HOCKEY:

“Too many men” now subject to death penalty

While Russia was happy to see rules already in place to prevent the game being overrun with a more than comfortable number of men, they thought the sport’s punishments were too soft. Unlike the two-minute “minor” penalty hockey fans are accustomed to seeing when one too many guys join the party, the guilty team will now have to choose a player to be publically executed. Sorry, Dan Hamhuis.

“Mandatory Fighting” rules implemented 

Although fighting in international hockey is typically not a common occurrence and in the past has come with heavy repercussions, Russian Olympic organizers have done away with these rules in favour of a much more macho code of conduct. Instead, heavy punishment will follow if teams do not engage in at least one manly bout of fist-a-cuffs per period. Teams who do not beat each other up with at least this frequency will risk disqualification — which also may be enacted if two opponents ever make eye-contact lasting over three seconds.

BOBSLEIGH

Compulsory “Bible-width apart” rule adopted

Inspired by only the finest Christian summer camps, Russia has instituted a rule requiring that each teammate be at least the width of one standard Russian Orthodox Bible (24”) apart from another. Russian officials have made it clear that they hate to have to enforce these kinds of rules and wish they could just trust everyone but that some (French) teams have ruined it for everyone

LUGE

Doubles required to sit “Back-to-back”

After extensive research into the possible seating arrangements for two-man luge, Russian officials settled on a “back-to-back” configuration that they believe will be most effective in limiting “impure thoughts”.

SPEED SKATING

Mandate on 90% less-tight suits 

While Russian olympic advisors say that they understand the practicality of speed skaters’ skin-tight spandex uniforms in accordance with their long-standing anti-”tight and bright” policy, they are requiring all teams to loosen up their suits to be at least 90 per cent less tight. According to the new uniform guide, a pair of relaxed jeans and an oversized army jacket are now recommended wear for the renamed “medium-speed skating” events.

BIATHLON

Targets to be replaced with members of the Village People

Although pleased with a sport that involves so much nonsensical gun use, Russia isn’t satisfied with any ambiguity in Biathlon’s staunchly heterosexual image. In order to combat any possible rumours that the sport is not only for “straight shooters”, the typical targets will be replaced with cardboard cutouts of the Village People, a suspected group of homosexuals whose music just arrived in Russia this past year. They have also considered eliminating the sport’s “skiing” element.

FIGURE SKATING

Spinning, twirling and enthusiasm forbidden 

While Russia isn’t pleased at all with the existence of the solo male-version of this sport, they have decided to let it take place as long as competitors refrain from any “spinning, twirling, fancy tricks or displays of any kind of emotion.” According to officials, skaters who step out, do a couple of laps with their heads down and get off the ice will receive perfect scores.

Ice dancing limited to traditional waltz

Fearing a possible emergence of frightening and “ungodly” ice grinding and ice twerking which could confuse their nation’s youth into “alternative lifestyles”, Russia has laid down the law that the “Traditional Waltz” will be the only acceptable form of Ice Dancing. The Russian Olympic committee says they will also work to ensure that every competing “couple” is contractually married before being allowed to compete.

ALPINE SKIING

Ski poles eliminated, skis replaced with snowboard

After overhearing some snowboarding high-schoolers, an emergency meeting of Russian Olympic officials decided to take great actions against what they had discovered was widely acknowledged as a “gay sport”. While the group couldn’t understand what particularly made going down a mountain on two planks so appealing to homosexuals it was decided the sport had to be reinvented. What they came up with is basically just snowboarding, which is already an Olympic event.

CROSS-COUNTRY SKIING

CURLING

Male Sweeper position eliminated

Uncomfortable with the idea of men using brooms, fearing that they might give off the impression that males have the capacity to perform housework, the “sweeper” position has been removed from men’s curling for the Sochi Olympics. While the women’s game will stay the same due to officials’ designation of “sweeping and yelling” as “female activities”, the men’s game will be completely restructured. Instead of sweepers, the sport will now only feature a thrower who will no longer attempt to gently place the rock but launch it as hard as he can in an attempt to knock over ten pins.

MEDALS

As part of the elimination of overly-flamboyant costumes and accessories associated with the “gay lifestyle”, Olympic medals will be replaced with congratulatory clumps of raw iron. The 1st place winner will now receive 25 lbs of iron while 2nd and 3rd place will receive 15 and 5 lbs respectively. These prizes will be taken away in the event of a congratulatory hug or even lingering high-five with any member of the same sex (including teammates, coaches, fans and parents).