Imperfect Fits for falling into spooky season

It’s never too early to fall in love with my sense of style

Large stacks of papers
PHOTO: Christa Dodoo / Unsplash

By: Rusty, Ender of Worlds and Styler of Students

Ah, yes, hello there. I am . . . what some may call Rusty. I see you’ve decided to come to moi for some fall fashion advice, and more precisely, for Halloween. No, it is never too early, for the passage of time is swift and unforgiving! But fear not, because I have funky outfits for walking campus halls.

A stack of exam papers arranged like a Christmas tree

This is such a simple but striking outfit. You’re here to make a statement, it says. What are you saying? Well, you’re scary enough to make students lose many hours of sleep. But, you can also spread joy at the end of the school season! Admittedly, the steps to getting this outfit are slightly complicated, but that can be read as a fun, thriller element. 

You begin by disguising yourself as your TA, because you will want access to the goods: the exam papers which you will use to decorate your outfit fantastically. Now, you must make extra copies of the exams when you strut into the TA’s office because you want mischief, not to make these angels on earth miserable. And then, the art begins! You stack papers onto cardboard slats perfectly fit to you. 

Suddenly, your eye catches on the beginning of an essay: “Since the beginning of time, Shakespearean works have dazzled . . .” You feel yourself drifting away into the seas of midterm papers.

But there’s no time for generic hooks right now! No, you must strut the halls, and then throw exams in the air as if you are SFU Santa Claus, if SFU Santa Claus distributed grades according to the curve of joy

The egg

What, you egg? 

See, I am a Shakespearian connoisseur, so you know that you can trust my classy opinions. Yes, this is the perfect outfit, and very avant-garde. I think an egg is a wonderful metaphor for us at any age, because we can always have the potential to become scared chickens in the face of adulthood . . . or we have infinite ideas! Like an egg! Yeah, that’s it.

All you need is a large white, obviously eggshell white (though you could be daring and wear a nice, tawny peach) hat with cracks at the brim. I recommend getting a giant piece of styrofoam and shaping it slowly into two perfect egg shells: one for your head and one for your legs. You will also want a big, yellow shaggy thing to wear underneath. The goal is to be as shapeless as humanly possible. 

You see, this outfit, like most that I recommend today, works two-fold: first, it is stylin’! Next, it is a perfect defensive structure for when you wish to hide from the external expectations of being a student and being twenty-three, a flawed age. No, I have no personal experience in any of this.

Pardon me . . . 

[Rusty burrows into their hastily made egg costume]

Perfect. I am glad that you have come to me for advice, dear readers, but I am now very tired . . . no, I do not have any practical outfit ideas. I am afraid that you have flipped a few pages past the section for that sort of thing. How boring! I offer godly outfit ideas.