By: Carter Hemion, Humour Editor
ARIES: Listen to Canada’s unsung heroes: Nickelback. They get a lot of Nickelback-lash, but if I gave you five cents for every artist you gave a second chance, you’d get your nickel back. You’ll change your opinion at the drop of a dime; it just makes cents.
TAURUS: Everything you know pails in comparison to Buckethead. You, too, can wear a white mask and put an empty KFC bucket on your head. You may not be a musician, but you can be known for lurking around campus like the phantom of the opera’s weird twin.
GEMINI: You thought you would’ve married a long time ago, and you still wonder where some people come from and where they go. Decompress to the fierce lyricism from Rednex. You may even recognize some of their hits, like “Cotton Eye Joe,” “Cotton Eye Joe (Line Dance Remix),” and “Cotton Eye Joe (Madcow Overworked Mix).”
CANCER: I have The Cure for your Monday blues. And your Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday blues. Friday, you’ll be in love as you come to terms with being on campus every day under the warm, loving gaze of president Joy Johnson.
LEO: Embrace your true self as a Mii . . . Wander the campus aimlessly, change your look every time you’re bored, and listen to VGR’s Wii music covers for the remainder of your studies to achieve your dream of complete anonymity to professors and guarantee maximum dissociation.
VIRGO: If you hooked up in the snow to “Viva La Vida,” would that be Coldplay? Or would it be bold-play? Anyway, you could use a little monotony in your life right now . . . Let Coldplay’s tracks stop you in yours when you realize their discography isn’t just one long song looped.
LIBRA: Take a note from Medieval monks’ dedication to goals and start studying to Anonymous 4’s Gregorian chant. In fact, go ahead and borrow their other practices like shaving just the top of your head, donning super scratchy (but cute!) sweaters, and wearing your comfy white robe to class.
SCORPIO: Alright, buddy, it’s time to just embrace it. Pull out the skinny jeans, raccoon eyeliner, and the old studded belt that’s lost half its spikes. Sing along to Paramore on the ride to campus. It doesn’t matter that you’re taking the bus and you don’t really know the lyrics.
SAGITTARIUS: Hey, watch your language! You need to listen to Kidz Bop Kids until you remember to stop cursing out TAs under your breath in class. If anything, it’s the damn prof’s fault, but we’ve barely been back a month. Calm the fuck down.
CAPRICORN: The metal band HATEBEAK is fronted by a screaming parrot. You’re free as a bird, so if a parrot can start a band, then you can easily get a degree. Just remember, a bird in the band is worth two in the bush.
AQUARIUS: Hey Aquarius, stop saying you discovered Doja Cat before she was cool. If you want to be really unique, you’ll listen to Elmo Sexwhistle for your fix of an undiscovered icon. They haven’t released anything since 2013, so you can also lament over a legend unappreciated in their time.
PISCES: You’ll need Walter Wanderley’s elevator music to survive at SFU. With Burnaby elevators regularly out of service, it’s important to prepare a long playlist in case you get stuck. Or just to listen while you fantasize about your elevator breaking down so you can skip tutorial.