What your textbook says about you

Classes are in session, and students across all SFU campuses have been dishing out the big dollars to get their hands on textbooks that fit their lifestyles — and their courses. But what does your textbook say about who you are? Find out below!

 

ARCH — Archaeology

*Monkey noises*

Why are monkeys monkeys? Ponder this and many other butt-scratching questions by reading a textbook on archaeology — the groundbreaking study of old dry things. Just like other close relatives of australopithecus afarensis, you most likely use bipedal locomotion and are manually dexterous.

 

BUS — Business

“I
really want to be rich.”

Luckily for you, most business textbooks are well-written and designed, if a little pricey. You gotta spend money to make money, am I right? These textbooks showcase your wild entrepreneurial spirit. Except for the Practitioner’s Income Tax Act. It’s best to burn that book after use.

 

BPK — Biomedical Physiology and Kinesiology

“The only bottoms I own are sweatpants.”

Studying the body means that you know how to be nice to it, and one of the best ways to do that is to keep it comfy in sweats. Don’t worry, they don’t make your lumbo-pelvic hip complex look anteriorly rotated.

 

CMNS — Communication

“I’m probably kinda lazy.”

Some communication majors are exceptional students, eager to learn about media theory, political economy, and telecommunication. Then there’s the other 98% who want a degree and decent GPA, but also have other things they’d rather do with their time. Statistically speaking, you’re probably part of the latter.

 

CMPT — Computer Science

“Beep beep boop.”

You probably either spend most of your time on a computer because it’s your interest, or feel overwhelmed because all of your classmates are so tech-savvy. Remember that your textbook and online practice resources are your best friends, as most CMPT profs are about as experienced with teaching as a Vancouverite is with heavy snowfall.

 

CRIM — Criminology

“I don’t sleep at night.”

You probably watch gratuitously gruesome horror movies at the end of the day to wind down from all the fucked-up shit you learned about in class earlier. Don’t worry; you won’t get consumed in your research and go crazy yourself. . . probably.

 

ECON — Economics

“My hatred for graphs is steadily inclining.”

Sure, you get to do it with models and closely inspect their curves, but the demand of ECON courses is just too high. Kudos to Doug Allen for single-handedly keeping Voltaire’s Candide in print, but you should probably just the read the SparkNotes summary for those ECON 103 bonus questions.

 

ENGL — English

“I have lots of books.”

English classes provide you with the opportunity to carry around 25 books at a time for the first two weeks, only to give up by the third week and just lookup the summary on Wikipedia whenever a text is referenced. On the bright side, all those classics you have stockpiled at home are DIY interior decorating projects just waiting to happen.

 

IAT — Interactive Arts and Technology

“I literally shit aesthetic.”

IAT courses probably have some of the coolest, most beautiful textbooks out of all disciplines. Unfortunately, they’re so beautiful that you wouldn’t want to run the risk of damaging them by reading them. Find the information you need for class online and instead use your textbook as the statement piece on a coffee table to compliment your room’s chic minimalist look.

 

LANG — Language

“I already speak this language.”

If you’re taking a language class and don’t already know a fair amount about the language, you’re doing it wrong. These classes work best as GPA brownie points for people who are already fluent in that given language.

 

MATH — Mathematics

“I always differentiate myself.”

Taking Math is about as rational as pi. These poor textbooks always look sad because they have so many problems. You’re most likely the sort to go off on tangents, in the hopes of integrating yourself with others, when really, you’re differentiating. Just take care to ensure carrying that calculus book doesn’t give you scoliosis.

 

STAT — Statistics

“I’m a sexy masochist.”

Stats textbooks average about 80lbs each. Lugging those mammoths around all day ensures that you have stellar quads. You can usually buy a stats textbook for the price of all your savings, your soul, and your first-born child. All your axes are are probably mean or average — yeah, that’s right, we know your type.

 

 

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