Snowmageddon: A Vancouverite’s guide to dealing with snow

The recent dumping of snow over our city has left Vancouverites feeling defenseless, hopeless, and just plain useless at times. We’re talking about people whose driving skills are even further challenged and grown men fighting over salt. So even though snow isn’t cool, here is a guide on how Vancouverites should decently deal with it.

  • Layer up with your Lululemon yoga pants

Due of the fact that we don’t get snow often, our wardrobe is typically ill-prepared when it does strike. To protect yourself from getting frostbite in all the wrong places, warm up with every pair of Lululemon yoga pants you own. Put all five pairs of yoga pants to good use by wearing them all at once. Because hey, why wouldn’t you want to help Chip Wilson build another yoga studio in his already massive home by investing in even more useless pairs of yoga pants?

  • For the love of Jack Frost, don’t drive

Even when it’s a clear sunny day, driving is still definitely not some people’s strong suit. If this describes you, imagine how much worse it would be driving on a skating rink. Horrific, right? So it’s probably in everyone’s best interest if you stayed off the roads and took public transit or something. Besides, cozying up with strangers on the bus sounds like a really good time!

  • Pick up a shovel and dig

One of the things I hate about snow is that the sidewalks are a pain in the neck to walk on. Everyone needs to invest in a shovel, get off their flannel-clad butt and dig out the sidewalks around your house. Teamwork makes dreamwork, and my dream is to live in a world where sidewalks actually do their job.

  • Flock to social media and complain

Vancouverites are really good at complaining, and what better way to broadcast your disdain for the snow than to be that person on Twitter who is all talk and no action? All of those hot takes should be more than capable of melting the snow.

  • Become a human Churro

If you feel that all of these ideas are too much to deal with and you just cannot even, it’s fine! Find that Snuggie that you got two Christmases ago, roll yourself into a human Churro, and just wait out the snow! Be sure to charge up all your devices so that you can burn your eyes out as you binge watch all the shows that you weren’t able to watch during the regular year! How long can the snow in Vancouver last?

The snow isn’t all gone yet, so be a good person, follow these foolproof ways, and you’ll be holier than the nicest looking snow angel in your neighbourhood!

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