SFU officially becomes an engaged university

Pop the champagne bottles and prepare for festivities! On January 1, SFU President Andrew Petter got down on one knee and asked Simon Fraser University to be joined with him in holy matrimony, forever and always. Their engagement is a testament to the transcendence of love beyond classifications of age, gender, and types of things.

The big day is scheduled for September 1, 2017, to mark their seven-year anniversary of being together. Many can attest that Petter is the one man capable of making the once wild and radical campus want to settle down.

Naysayers’ complaints regarding the impending nuptials range from “SFU is over 50 years old — isn’t it too late to get hitched?” to “Andrew Petter already has a wife!” Regardless, the bond between these two was set in stone when SFU said “Yes!” on the first day of the new year.

Frankly, the signs that this couple is meant to be are pretty evident. Just a few months ago, when Petter was naught but a gentleman caller to the non-gender binary institution, he regularly used many courting strategies to earn SFU’s favour.

His most overt approach was to coin SFU’s pithy catchphrase as “Canada’s engaged university.” Way to be subtle, casanova. He didn’t hold back during speeches or press releases either, using various conjugations of “engage” as frequently as possible, effectively employing the wink wink, nudge nudge approach in winning over his beloved.

Additionally, he’s regularly spoiled SFU with lavish gifts, like a Frank Lloyd Wright fountain finished just in time for the university’s most recent birthday. One of his grandest gestures of affection was selling his soul to Goldcorp to support SFU’s artistic dreams — that act of selfless sacrifice of moral value for his true love is what makes this pair everyone’s OTP.

Now, you may be wondering about the giant kilt-laden dog in the room — that is, Andrew Petter’s wife, Maureen Maloney. He could use a little less-een, if you ask me. It’s time he was unshackled from that ol’ ball and chain.

Between providing a more-than-steady income, limitless resource facilities, and three beautifully furnished locations, SFU is a tough love rival to beat. At this point, with the Petter/Fraser union now written in the stars, Maloney will have to cut her losses and let her husband pursue his true soulmate.

SFU admins are now on the hunt for the finest interior designers to ready the blushing educational institution for the day of matrimony. The school will be decked out in virginal white to represent its purity — though we all probably know about that wanton trist SFU had with Gordon Shrum back in its youth. Additionally, a constellation made especially for the couple will be added to the Trottier Observatory display.

So expect an invitation soon, SFU community. September 1 is sure to be a day of celebration with students, faculty, and alumni watching as man and tertiary academic establishment tie the knot.