Topical pumpkin carving ideas for Halloween 2016

A stranger the other day informed me that we were past the midpoint of October. To this, I said nothing. Because my mamma told me never to talk to strangers. Regardless, this particular time of year can mean only two things: there are pumpkins that need a carving, or it’s the time of year to get some cake and celebrate the 54th anniversary of the Cuban Missile Crisis!

If you’re not celebrating the crisis and instead just carving some lame pumpkins, here are some ideas to help you impress all your friends. (Disclaimer: if you’re some sort of big shot and have more than four friends, we’re legally obliged to inform you that this assertion may not hold true.)

Ryan Lochte urinating outside a gas station

Ideally, include a small carving of the five Olympic rings somewhere on the pumpkin. Otherwise you might come across as someone who’s just really into public urination. Which I’ve been told is frowned upon in some societies.

The Gherkin

We’re not talking about the stuff that gets smuggled into your cheeseburger; we’re talking about the pride and joy of the London skyline. At least, that’s what you’ll tell everyone to seem cultured. But in actual fact, it just looks like a penis. Ah, dick jokes — they never get old.

The nonconformist

First, discard your pumpkin. Next, procure a watermelon (by any means). After having obtained a watermelon, paint said melon orange. Finally, carve any design you fancy. You can’t control me, society, I ain’t gonna be part of your system.

The state of the United Kingdom the morning after Brexit

You’ve got two options here:

  1. A) A graph showing the pound crashing.
    B) Taking a hammer and smashing the pumpkin to a pulp.

    Either one will do.

A house party

This one’s going to require a deft touch. You’re going to need a socially awkward guy standing by a bowl of Doritos. Another guy making a concoction that’s going to give at least 20 percent of attendees alcohol poisoning. A group of girls ignoring the guys they’re clearly interested in. And, if you’ve got any real estate left on the pumpkin, someone who’s fallen asleep on the couch and has been inevitably turned into a human coat rack.

Harambe getting knighted by a “Hotline Bling” gyrating Drake

You’ve got to appease the Internet.

A shirtless Vladimir Putin riding a killer whale

Note: do not place pumpkin near another pumpkin that has the Ukrainian flag carved onto it.

John F. Kennedy and Nikita Khrushchev having eight beers, proclaiming their love for each other, and subsequently bringing an end to the Cuban Missile Crisis

That’s how it happened. Nobody’s going to tell me otherwise. To reiterate, celebrate the right occasion this October. You know, the one that means we’re all still on this planet and able to enjoy Halloween.