How I manage my curly hair

If you are a godforsaken soul with curly hair like myself, you know that managing these gigantic semi-sentient mop creatures can be a real fucking pain.

Most of the time, it feels like there’s no solution and it’s just a never-ending cycle of you violently brushing your hair while cursing heaven. And Earth. And both the observable and unobservable universes. Basically, just all existence. The reason it feels like there’s no way to have both inner peace and your gorgeous locks is because it mostly is impossible. However, these are a few ways I’ve learnt to manage my wild hair.

1) Barter off your first-born to an imp

Babies come and go, but the knot in the back of my hair is forever if there aren’t supernatural forces involved. Getting my curly hair to behave in the morning is definitely a perilous enough activity to rationalize selling my child to an imp that probably most definitely is a baby-eating imp. What other business does an imp have with a human infant? Regardless, if it gets the knot out of my hair, his weird European appetite is none of my business.

2) Offer a human sacrifice to the Aztec gods

We’ve all broken brushes when attempting to untangle the chaos that is curly hair after a windy day. I have found bugs in my hair, desperately struggling in fear for their mortality in that mess. Those are the days that I need to tear the still beating heart out of a man and kick his lifeless body down temple stairs to get my hair back to a normal state. I promise, the bounce your hair will have after the victim has given his service to the gods is phenomenal.

3) Kill a wizard and obtain his powers of dark magic

This tip I found out by accident, after having killed a wizard for a completely different reason (as one does). Evil wizards have amazing collections of dark magic potions, artifacts, and grimoires. Due to dumb luck and curiosity, I found out that nothing makes for a better hair conditioner than a vial of imprisoned human souls. You’ll finally be able to run your fingers through your silky hair — deep conditioning with damned spirits does wonders for your hair.  I’m not sure how to silence all the voices that are entangled in my hair, though.

4) Summon a spirit

Ghosts always seem to have a perfect head of floating hair, and that is totally ideal because I’m sick of constantly eating my fucking hair. When I got my Ouija board out and asked “What hair care product do you use?” the spirit answered with “eternal suffering.” Who knew it was so simple?