New line of Dyson products announced

Dyson, makers of the iconic ball-based upright vacuums and blade-less electric fans, have recently announced their upcoming products at a private shareholder-only event. We have managed to get a copy of just one page of their internal release document, and have included it below.

Dyson Toilets

Following their success in the vacuum and hand dryer industries, Dyson is setting their sights on the bathroom! Using suction and centrifugal force, both from the world-renowned Dyson digital motor, the Dyson Toilet will be the most effective toilet available, all without water! Plus it incorporates the trademark Dyson BallTM technology, which allows it to be angled as either a toilet or a urinal with no loss in suction. With the Dyson Toilet, you won’t have to go to the bathroom for weeks!

Dyson Pet Sphere

Don’t worry, Fluffer McKitty won’t be left out of the Dyson fun. The Dyson Pet Sphere is a newly designed pet carrier and terrarium. It’s durable and contains a pet-friendly environment designed for comfort. The Dyson Pet Sphere also allows for easy transport, due to its sleek and compact design, and its durability makes it handy for people with even the most energetic pets.

Dyson FaceBlade*

Dyson is taking their bladeless fan technology and rubbing it right up against your face with the upcoming Dyson FaceBlade bladeless face razor. Gone are the days of accidentally nicking your face with little metal razors — the Dyson FaceBlade has no blades at all! Following recent breakthroughs in Dyson technology, the FaceBlade is able to remove unwanted facial hair with nothing but extremely concentrated bursts of air. Say goodbye to disposable dollar store razors, and say hello to the new Dyson FaceBlade!

*Warning: Do not aim product at eyes.

Dyson People Mover

Did you know there is a whole network of pneumatic tubes beneath the streets of New York City? It’s true! Dyson has already begun alterations to the system, expanding them for human use and incorporating both their vacuum and bladeless fan technologies. Soon New Yorkers can expect to move faster than a yellow cab ever could. Travel from Sugar Hill to Soho in less than two minutes during rush hour with the Dyson People Mover. Hold onto your hats!

Dyson EndoSkeleton

Dyson cares about the elderly, and understands that some former customers may be too frail and infirm to use even the most compact Dyson product, commonly due to weakness in their bones or joints. The Dyson EndoSkeleton seeks to change that. Working with hospitals and machinists across the globe, the Dyson EndoSkeleton is a piece of advanced medical equipment that will give grandma and grandpa the strength they need to walk to the park, toss little Suzie into the air, and far more. Replace grandma’s bones today!