University student just not that stressed out

BURNABY — Thor Svenson, a current 3rd year SFU student, is concerned that he isn’t stressed out enough and has registered a formal complaint against SFU for failing to provide him with a basic horrific post-secondary experience.

“People say university is so stressful. I heard stories about people who spent every waking hour stressed out and unhappy about their grades and waning social lives” Svenson explained, shaking his head. “But I’m just not feeling it, I’m totally fine.”

According to Svenson’s account, university life is just not what he had expected. Now in his third year, he claims that he still has never had to spend an entire night eagerly sucking back caffeine while typing frantically to finish a 20-page research paper that was due the next day.

He also has stated that he hasn’t had to turn down even a single week of the best parties ever to study for a midterm. In fact he complains that he has too much time on his hands and is completely relaxed and at ease at all times.

“I have an A average and I have all my evenings free . . . I’ve had so much time to kill that I’ve even started learning to play the saxophone and I’m taking salsa dancing lessons,” he said before pausing to let a single tear roll slowly down his cheek.

“I guess . . . I guess I just expected more from university. I was looking forward to being stressed to the point that my hands would become so slick with perspiration that my pencil would slip out of my hand and clatter to the floor,” he continued solemnly. “I was looking forward to not eating or sleeping for two days because of the finals I have coming up, but it was not to be.”

Svenson then sniffed and wiped a final tear from his eyes and said, “Oh well, I guess I’ll just transfer to UBC.”