POINT: Chicken Wings Suck

WEB-chicken wings-Ljudmila Petrovic copy
Wings aren’t the only things that come in hot, steaming piles

By David “Eat Alberta Grassfed Beef” Dyck
Photos by Ljudmila Petrovic

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Chicken wings. They’re everywhere. If they were a currency, it would be inflated like the pre-WWII German economy, with remarkably similar results. Hundreds of value-seeking students packed into rows, ordering piles of wings for what appears to be a comparatively cheap rate on every “wings night” you find yourself in the middle of. You’ve convinced yourself that you’re enjoying yourself, though. Why is that?

You just wanted to enjoy a beer and maybe a burger without having cheap chicken panzerschrecked all over the table. It starts with value. Why get the meal that you wanted when you can just eat chicken for pennies on the dollar? Besides, everyone else at the table is on board. The lust for chicken is spreading like a cheap, saucy plague, and you don’t want to be the jerk going against the tide.

That brings us to the sauces. Once the indoctrinated masses have convinced everyone to feast on tiny chicken meat, the last question is the sauce question. There are two final solutions: you can get wet wings or dry wings. No matter which way you line them up, each option is worse than the last.

Napkins turn to useless, shredded pulp in the wake of wet sauce; if you’re lucky enough to get one of the two moist towelettes that may or may not be provided, it’s good for cleaning half a hand, at most. In a situation where you have to use your fingers for anything besides shoveling chicken into your face, you’re screwed. Lick your fingers?

Last I checked, this is the first world. Get dry wings? They taste like rubber. Use a fork? With how tiny they are, it would be like trying to remove a tumour from a baby’s brain.

And of course they can’t be seasoned with rosemary and cracked pepper. No, it’s all FRANCO’S SUPER RED HOT SPICY WINGS that appeal to people who want to be rounded up and accosted with heat. Some sadomasochistic urge in your “friends” drives them to sit around tearing small amounts of meat off of unsettlingly small bones that are coated in a sticky, uncomfortable sauce. Chicken wings are not worth the hollow cost. Don’t just follow orders. Eat a burger.

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